Ya should be.
I am not going to sit here for a single second and think myself an unlucky lady.
I have a job. I have a sweet, although expensive, apartment. I have friends and family who love me and support me always. I HAVE A JOB.
But ladies and gentlemen, I am lonely. I am stressed out. I am tired. I have a rash on my face and no health insurance.
Ok, so let me start with the rash. Let’s say “rash,” because it’s not so much a rash, but an unsightly blemish that is arguably caused by eczema, or rosacea. Arguably, because when you google “red flaky face rash” you get those two options and they both sound and look nearly identical.
Stay with me now. I have a point to all this and it is REALLY good.
Anyway, so I have a “rash” that is either eczema, or rosacea, they appear to be identical, EXCEPT! Rosacea is treated with an anti-fungal cream (why????? they don’t say!!!!! rosacea isn’t a fungal problem!) and eczema is treated with steroid cream.
And this is where the problem pops up. Because if you have rosacea, you’re not supposed to use steroid creams, it makes it worse. IN FACT, people who have never had rosacea, but then use steroid creams can develop rosacea from that.
So, this is, like, a legit problem I have, right?
Now this is where it starts to get good.
I made a date for last night.
Met him on OK Cupid, he’s tall, handsome, blond haired, blue eyed, I am STOKED!!!!
Buuuuuuttttttt … I have a rash on my face and by face I mean mouth-ish area and I’m desperate to make it go away.
So, I go to Walgreens, talk to a pharmacist, show HER the rash and she … shrugs her fucking shoulders and tells me to get BOTH and see what the fuck happens!
Alright, it is now T-minus 4 hours to my date and a pharmacist just shrugged her shoulders at me and I gotta be the one to take the reins and make some choices.
I pick rosacea.
I head to the anti-fungal isle and look shit over.
GASP!!! There is a REALLY expensive ointment called “Prosacea” that is meant for rosacea rashes like this! But it is SUPER expensive. Right next to this Prosacea is a very cheap tube of jock itch cream. Same stuff essentially, cheaper price tag … really bad name.
I tell myself, YOU CANNOT MEET THIS SUPER ATTRACTIVE MAN WITH JOCK ITCH CREAM ON YOUR FACE.
So, I take a deep breath and I buy the REALLY expensive Prosacea.
This is where I am going to skip back to the top and say again: I am tired. I am lonely. I have been trying to make dates work with what I have and that is OK Cupid. I’m trying to be patient and open minded, but it’s just … here’s the list so far:
1) An editor who thought young adult books didn’t need to have impeccable grammar, because they’re just kids and what do they care? (I’m sorry! That means something to me!)
2) A super cool guy that I actually REALLY hit it off with until I brought him out with my friends. He cornered two of my gay friends and interrogated them on self-anal pleasure, had a website bookmarked on his phone with an anal vibrator he wanted their opinion on and completely ignored me the entire time this conversation was happening. At one point I heard my friend say, “Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I know everything about anal orgasm.” And also, WHY IGNORE ME?! I’m totally into that, you fucker!
3) An uptight, know-it-all hipster who, weeks after the date, saw me a bar and proceeded to parade his friends past me while pointing and laughing. THEY ALL LAUGHED. (this guy, by the way? 30-years-old. DOUCHE!)
That brings us to last night.
Date number 4.
A man and a date that I was so revved up for, I dropped mega bucks on an ointment when I really didn’t have that much cash for.
He leaves the bar (and the date) with another woman.
And the thing that really pisses me off is … goddammit, I should have just bought the motherfucking jock itch cream!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, that they should have at least gone to a bar on another block, ya know?! That area has dozens of great bars all around. They picked the closest and the shittiest.
Yes. I’m hurt. I’m embarrassed. I feel like this one night epitomizes my experience with men always: that I always get left behind for prettier, more aggressive women.
I’m not the kind of person you can take on a date couple of dates, have a conversation about what our titles are, then change our facebook statuses to “In a relationship.”
I’m shy and awkward and scared shitless about being vulnerable and it’s gonna take tiiiiiiiiiiiiime y’all. If you’re the right one, then you’ll wait. I’m actually really worth it.
But, I’m proud of the way I handled it.
I maintained my grace, my smile.
I saw it unfold before my very eyes and I just kept my tiny chin up and I made him KNOW he wasn’t breaking any hearts that night.
This is how we ask for shifts to be covered where I work.
Dear sweet jesus it’s an IPA glass designed by Sierra Nevada & Dogfish Head and made by Riedel and and and AND!!!! … looks like a sex toy.
My life is now complete.
Ron Swanson came into the restaurant I work at last night.
People kept running up to him while he was standing around trying to share drinks with his friends while he waited for a table and it kinda made me feel really, really bad. And he had to wait a really long time for a table! First, because we were really busy, but then because he had some joiners that wouldn’t fit at the table we had for him.
He’d be standing there, chatting with his group and people would come up, stand, like, A FUCKING FOOT AWAY, stare at him then run off giggling saying, “I can’t! I can’t! It’s ‘RON FUCKIN’ SWANSON!”
Ya know … he could see AND hear you. YOU WERE A FOOT AWAY!!!!
It was so bad that when I made eye contact with him I felt guilty.
That being said … RON FUCKING SWANSON WAS LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!
*runs off giggling*
Made by my good friend, Doug with the Over Served blog.
Enlightenment is sweet indeed!
Well, hoppy and a bit boozy, but sweet none the less!
Madison, WI friends!! Watch Channel 3000 news next week Thursday at 10 pm to see my friends Ashley (pictured) and Doug (not pictured) talk about craft beer in Wisconsin. I maybe MIGHT be in there since I was a bit drunk during the interview and yelled out the pronunciation of the beer Doug was drinking without realizing he was on camera. Oops!! Tee hee!!